Short Funny Jokes

Tiger Woods Jokes

Jokes about the tiger woods divorce, text messages and crash

“A California congressman named Joe Baca has announced he’s no longer pursuing legislation that would have given Tiger Woods the Congressional Gold Medal. He released a statement saying, ‘In light of the fact that Tiger has comported himself in a manner utterly lacking in character, dignity, and ethical integrity, I am withdrawing Tiger Woods from consideration for the Congressional Gold Medal and instead I’m recommending that he run for Congress.'” –Jimmy Kimmel

How does Tiger keep track of what hole he is playing?

By the tattoo on her back.

“A new study found that casual sex does not lead to lower self-esteem. It does, however, wreck your marriage, your Escalade…” -Jay Leno
“A new study says that 86 percent of kids who regularly watch TV can recognize Tiger Woods. Which makes sense, because he may be their dad.” -Conan O’Brien

Where do all of Tiger Woods’ girlfriends live?
They live in Idaho, because each one says, “Hi.  Idaho of the day.”

“ABC News is reporting that Tiger’s wife Elin is planning to file for divorce — citing irreconcilable waitresses.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“Another woman has been linked to Tiger Woods and this one is 48 years old. Or as Tiger refers to her, ‘my senior tour.'” -Conan O’Brien

“AT&T announced that they’re thinking about dropping Tiger Woods as their spokesperson. Which seems unfair because AT&T has made millions off of Tiger just from his text messages.”

“But in terms of the temperature, going up and up and up, we are making some progress. Today over there at the conference in Copenhagen, they put a cap on the number of hot girlfriends for Tiger Woods. That’s going to cool things off a little bit.” –

“Gatorade has officially ended their relationship with Tiger Woods. He was seeing at least five other sports drinks.” –Jay Leno

What is the difference between the Barnham & Bailey Circus and Tiger Woods’ mistresses?
The circus is a cunning array of stunts.

“I have to say, not a great day for President Obama. A new poll shows that President Obama has the lowest approval rating of any first-year president in the history of presidents. Things are so bad today the president said the surge in Afghanistan was all Tiger Woods’s idea.” –

“It’s not looking good for Tiger Woods. According to a poll today, 88 percent of women have an unfavorable opinion of Tiger Woods. The other 12 percent are cocktail waitresses.”

“One of the women who claims she slept with Tiger Woods says they never talked about golf while having sex. However, contractually Tiger was obligated to talk about Nike, Gatorade and American Express.”

“People are speculating that Tiger Woods and his wife are thinking of moving to Sweden. Because if there’s one place to get away from hot blondes, it’s Sweden.”

“President Barack Obama accepted the Nobel Peace Prize from the Norwegians. This comes almost two weeks after Tiger Woods was crowned by a Swede.” –

Tiger always gives 110 percent. That is why he gave 100 percent to his wife and still had 10 percent left over for his alleged mistress

“Sources close to Tiger Woods say that he’s spending his days now eating cereal and watching cartoons. In other words, Tiger Woods has gone from living every man’s fantasy life, to living every man’s real life.”

“Sources say Tiger has confessed all of his affairs to his wife who has agreed to stay with him if he takes some time off from golf. Tiger said, “That’s OK – golf was starting to cut into my time with the ladies.”

“Speaking from West Point, NY, the President announced he will send 30,000 additional troops to Afghanistan over the next six months and 2,000 additional troops to Tiger Woods’s mansion in Orlando. Peacekeeping forces.” –

“Talk about bad timing. The latest issue of Golf Digest has Tiger Woods and President Obama on the cover. I don’t think Michelle’s going to let the President hang with Tiger too much longer.

“The Associated Press chose Tiger Woods as their “Athlete of the Decade. Well, he did put out some impressive numbers.” –

“The big rumor is Tiger Woods is getting ready to return to golf. Tiger has hired Ari Fleischer, George Bush’s former press secretary, to handle the press for him. I guess Ari Fleischer figures after years of trying to explain George W. Bush, this should be a piece of cake.”

“The tabloids are chock full of stories about Tiger Woods and various women. He wrote on his Web site today that he was guilty of ‘transgressions’ – which is a classy way of saying some of his foursomes were actually threesomes.”

“The Tiger Woods press conference was earlier today, and I was riveted by that. I think the most interesting part was when he apologized to the ‘mistress in your region.'”

“There was some good news for Tiger today. He was just voted ‘Athlete of the Decade’ by The Associated Press. He’s also been named ‘Athlete of the Decade’ by Playboy, Penthouse, and Hustler.”

This Tiger Woods thing has had an effect on a lot of people. In fact, earlier today, Elizabeth Edwards went out and bought a new set of golf clubs.” –

Tiger always gives 110 percent. That is why he gave 100 percent to his wife and still had 10 percent left over for his alleged mistress.” –

What’s the difference between a golf ball and a caddy? Tiger can drive a golf ball!

Tiger Woods is reportedly ready to return to golf, possibly in two weeks in Orlando. According to The New York Post, Tiger’s hired former President Bush’s press secretary, Ari Fleischer to help with his PR campaign. Is that the guy you want in charge of your approval rating? I’d hire Clinton’s guy.”

Did you hear Tiger Woods has a new movie coming out? It’s called Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.

“Tiger Woods made his return to golf at the Masters today. While talking about Tiger, the tournament chairman said, ‘This year will not be just for him, but for all of us who believe in second chances.’ Then someone whispered in his ear and he was like ‘I’m sorry — 17 chances. All of us who believe in 17th chances.'” —


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