Dark Secret
At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth” even when you don’t know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, “Then come give your FATHER a big hug!”
Four letter words
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
“Well, how was the honeymoon?” asked the mother.
“Oh mamma!” she exclaimed. “The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!”
No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying. “But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He’s been saying things I’ve never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home… please mamma!”
“Now Sarah . . .” her mother answered. “Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?”
“Please don’t make me tell you, mamma.” wept the daughter.
“I’m so embarrassed! They’re just too awful! You’ve got to come get me and take me home… please mamma!”
“Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset . . .
Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!”
Still sobbing, the bride replied, “Oh, mamma . . . words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!”
Affair with a horse
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the
electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed
and they weren’t mine.”
His second friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the
plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”
Paddy says: “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.” Both his
friends look at him with utter disbelief.
“No, I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”
He was LUCKY
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet
rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over
immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals
for him to bring his face close to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard,
which is full and bushy.
“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his
face with both hands.
“Actually, no” he replies.
“Can you get him for me — I need to speak to him.”
She is running her hands up beyond his beard and
into his hair.
“I’m afraid that I can’t,” breathes the barman,
clearly aroused. “Is there anything I can do?”
“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,”
she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into
his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
“Tell him that there is no toilet,
paper in the ladies room.”
Before and After marriage
Before the marriage: (Top to bottom)
He: Yes. Atlast. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don’t even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Yes!
She: Will you hit me?
He: No way! I’m not such kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
{Now after the marriage. You can read it bottom to top leaving last line.}
Who is Superman
Jenny : Robin, do you know who is a Superman ?
Robin: Yes, I know.
Jenny : Who ?
Robin : The one who wears his underwear over his pants.
Lawyers will be Lawyers
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road-side. He ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.
“Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.
“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.
“Oh, well, you can come with me to my house,” instructed the lawyer.
“But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!”
“Bring them along!” replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said: “You come with us, too.”
“But I have a wife and six children,” the second man answered.
“Bring them as well” replied the lawyer.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says: “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied: “Glad to do it. You’ll love my place; the grass is almost a foot tall.”
BIGGEST LIE
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”
One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided
to give it to the person who tells the biggest lie.”
“You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher,
“When I was your age, I didn’t even know what a lie was.”
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
Blonde Puzzle
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over, I need help urgently! I bought a jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t even start it. Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde replies, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a big chicken.” Her boyfriend hurries over to find the puzzle spread over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box. Turning to his girlfriend he says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a chicken”
He takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I’d advise you to relax. Let’s have a cup of coffee, and then…” he sighs, “let’s put all these Corn Flakes back in the box…”
A Very Deep Hole
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.
“Wow…that looks deep.” “Sure does… toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is.”
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait… no noise “Geeez. That is REALLY deep… here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise.”
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait… and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, “Hey…over here in the weeds, there’s a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it’s GOTTA make some noise.”
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they’ve just seen… Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
“Hey… have you two guys seen my goat out here?”
“You bet we did! Craziest thing I’ve ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!”
“Nah”, says the farmer, “That couldn’t have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie.”