Short Funny Jokes

Funny Christmas Jokes

A 7-year old child was drawing a picture of the Nativity. The picture was
very good, including Mary, Joseph and, of course, baby Jesus.
However, there was a fat man standing in the corner of the stable, that just
did not seem to fit in. When the child was asked about it, she replied,
“Oh, That’s Round John Virgin.”

What do elves learn in school?
The Elf-abet!

How many reindeer does Santa Have???
11 (named below)
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen
Rudolph (the one with the red nose)
Olive (Olive the other reindeer {all of})
and Al (Then Al the reindeer loved him {all})

What kind of bird can write?
A PENguin.

Did you hear that one of Santa’s reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel?
Its true….Comet cleans sinks!

What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmastime?
Sandy Claus!

Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
Because the angel had said,” No L!”

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes.

Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
because every buck is dear to him.

What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
Crisp Cringle.

JUDY: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
MIKE: We’ll have a boo Christmas without you.

ELF NO. 1: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
ELF NO. 2: Okay everyone, sack time!!

If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
Missile-toe!

There once was a czar in Russia whose name was Rudolph the Great. He was standing in his house one day with his wife. He looked out the window and saw something happening. He says to his wife,” Look honey. Its raining.” She, being the obstinate type, responded,” I don’t think so, dear. I think its snowing.” But Rudolph knew better. So he says to his wife,” Let’s step outside and we’ll find out.” Lo and behold, they step outside and discover it was in fact rain. And Rudolph turns to his wife and replies,” I knew it was raining. Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!”

Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Ribbon hood.

The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.

What is red and green and leads Santa’s sleigh?
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Pickle

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, “What are you charged with?” “Doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant. “That’s no offense,” said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?” “Before the store opened,” countered the prisoner.

T’was the night before Christmas and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care.
They’d been worn all week and needed the air.

This guy goes into his dentist’s office, because something is wrong with his mouth. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, “Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?” “Well… the only thing I can think of is this… my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it… Hollandaise sauce she called it… and doctor, I’m talking DELICIOUS! I’ve never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I’ve been putting it on everything… meat, fish, toast, vegetables… you name it!” “That’s probably it,” replied the dentist “Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as thought I’ll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time.” “Why chrome?” the man asked. “Well, everyone knows that there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”
THE FIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

(With Apologies to Clement C. Moore)

We are Each of Us Angels with but one wing,
And we can only fly embracing each other.

–L. DeCrescenzo

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