Short Funny Jokes

French Jokes | Jokes About French

Q: What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad?
A: A salesman.
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Q: Where can you find 60,100,000 French jokes?
A: In France.
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Q: Why do zee French have zee onion and zee Arabs has zee oil?
A: Because zee French had zee first pick.
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Q: How do you brainwash a Frenchman?
A: Fill up his boots with water.
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A cannibal went into the butcher shop to buy some brains for dinner. She saw that American and British brains were $4.95 per lb and French brains were $450.00 per lb. She gasped and asked the butcher if the price of the French brains were a misprint.
“No ma’m,” answered the butcher. “That is the correct price.” “Well, why are the French brains so expensive?” exclaimed the cannibal. “Do you know how many French it takes to get a pound of brains?” replied the butcher.
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Q: How many generations does it take to learn ingratitude?
A: Trois
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Q: Is it rude to call a Frenchman a frog?
A: Yes, it is unfair to amphibians.
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Q: Why did the French start using garlic?
A: To improve their breath.
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Q: How are French babies born?
A: With their hands up (surrendering).

Q: Wy don’t the French want to bomb Saddam Hussein?
A: He hates America, he loves mistresses and he wears a beret. He is French.
Conan O’Brien
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Finally, this week the French soldiers have showed up in Afghanistan. Figures just like the French to show up after the hard work has been done.
Jay Leno
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Q: Why do the French call their fighter the “Mirage”?
A: Because it’s never seen in a combat zone.
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Q: How do you kill a Frenchman?
A: Slam the toilet seat down when he’s getting a drink.
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Q: What do you call a French fighter coming to the rescue of American and British soldiers in the Iraqi desert?
A: Mirage
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The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.
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The French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of their friends and always more than willing to surrender to the wishes of their enemeies.
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Q: Why do French naval ships have glass bottoms?
A: To see all their other ships.
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Q: Why do the French use a lot of bleach on their sheets?
A: So you can see their white flags better.
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Going to war without the French is like going hunting without an accordion.
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The French are to warfare what the British are to cooking.
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Donald Rumsfeld was being heckled by a French anti-war weenie when he suddenly turned and asked the Frenchman:
“Excuse me. Do you speak German?” The Frenchman replied “No.” Rumsfeld looked him in the eyes and said “You’re welcome.”
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Q: How did the French react to German reunification?
A: They put up speed bumps at the borders to slow down the panzers.
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Q: What do you call a man who only needs body armor on his back?
A: Jacques Chirac
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Q: What is the other way to spell the name of the French president?
A: Jacques ChIraq.
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A man askes his companion, “What’s the most common French expression”? His friend scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders and replies, “I give up!”
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Q: Why is it good to be French?
A: You can surrender at the beginning of the war, and US will win it for you.
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Q: What is the French battle flag?
A: It is three white fleur-de-lies on a white background.
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Q: Why do Frenchmen always wear yellow ties?
A: To match their teeth.
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Q: What’s the best place to hide your money?
A: Under a Frenchman’s soap.
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A: What do you get if you see a Frenchman up to his neck in sand?
Q: More sand.
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Q: What did the Mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered?
A: Table for one hundred thousand, sir?
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Q: How can you tell if a Frenchman has been in your back yard?
A: Your garbage is gone and your dog is pregnant.
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Q: What do you do if you drive over a Frenchman?
A: Reverse!
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Q: Did you hear about the Frenchman who lost his license to practice medicine?
A: He was caught having sex with some of his patients. It’s a shame, he was the best veternnarian in town!
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Q: How do you stop a French tank?
A: Shoot the guy that’s pushing it.
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A French rifle for sale on ebay:
“It’s never been fired and it’s been dropped only once.”
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Q: Why do Frenchmen have moustashes?
A: To remind them of their mothers.
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You really do have to hand it to the French…
After all, they won’t fight for it.
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President Bush and the french ambassador were debating the Iraqi crisis. The President explained:
“If we don’t stop Hussein soon, any future conflict with this madman would be a nuclear bloodbath. ” The interpreter couldn’t translate this, however, since there is no word for “bath” in French.
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Q: How many French soldiers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: one to sit on his butt and watch and do nothing.
one to turn tail and run.
one to roll over.
one to surrender to the light bulb and snitch out occupied sockets.
and one to pick up a phone and cry to the United States.
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Q: What happens when a Frenchman doesn’t pay his garbage bill?
A: They stop delivering.
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Q: How do you ruin a French party?
A: Flush the punch bowl.
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Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, Chirac. He stands still and Europe revolves around him.
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Q: What does “Maginot” mean in German?
A: Welcome!
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Q: Why did the Frenchman sell his water skis?
A: He couldn’t find a lake with a hill in it.
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Q: You go to a cockfight. How do you know if a Frenchman is there?
A: He’s the one with a duck.
Q: How do you know if an Italian is there?
A: He bet on the duck. Q: How do you know if the Mafia is there?
A: The duck wins.
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Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: All of them: One to screw the bulb in, the rest to brag about how great the French are at screwing.
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Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: It doesn’t matter; if you’re depending on the French to do the job, it’s screwed anyway.
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French tanks have 6 gears, 5 reverse and 1 forward. The forward gear exists in case they are attacked from behind.
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Q:Why do we need France on our side against Saddam and Osama?
A:So the French can show them how to surrender.
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Q: What do you do if a Frenchman throws a hand-grenade at you?
A: Take the pin out and throw it back.
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Q: What do you do if a Frenchman throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell – he’s still got a hand-grenade between his teeth.
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Q: Did you hear about the French helicopter crash?
A: The pilot got cold, so he turned off the fan.
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Q: How do you get a Frenchman out of a bath tub?
A: Throw in a bar of soap.
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Q: How do you break a Frenchman’s finger?
A: Hit him on the nose.
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Q: What do you call a Frenchman with 1500 girl friends?
A: A shepherd.
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Q: How do you confuse a Frenchman?
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to piss in the corner.
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Q: How do you keep a Frenchman in suspense?
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True quote from French President Jacques Chirac:
“As far as I’m concerned, war always means failure. Obviously he was speaking for the French!
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Q: What’s the difference between a dead skunk and a dead Frenchman In the middle of the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
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Q: What does it say on the bottom of a Perrier bottle in France?
A: Open other end.
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Q: Did you hear about the French hockey team?
A: They all drowned in spring training.
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Q: Did you hear about the new automatic French parachutes?
A: They open on impact.
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Q: Did you hear about the French submarine with a screen door?
A: Don’t laugh… it keeps the fish out.
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George W. Bush, Tony Blair and Jacques Chirac were relaxing in a Parisian sauna. Suddenly, there was a distinct beeping sound.
President Bush pressed his forearm with his thumb & the beeping stopped. The others looked curiously at him. “Oh, that was just my pager”, said George. “I have a microchip embedded under the skin of my forearm.” Two minutes later, the silence was broken by the sound of a phone ringing. Tony Blair lifted the palm of his hand to his ear & the ringing stopped. The Prime Minister explained, “That was my cell phone, chaps. I have a telecom chip implanted in the palm of my hand. “By this time, French president Jacques Chirac was feeling sort of low-tech. Without saying anything, he quickly scooted out of the sauna, but returned momentarily. When he returned, Bush and Blair both stared at him increduously. It appeared that a long piece of toilet paper was dangling from the Frenchman’s posterior. When Jacques saw that he had the attention of the other two men, he feigned astonishment: “Marie sainte! I’m think I’m getting a fax.”
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Q: How many Frenchman does it take to guard Paris?
A: Nobody knows, its never been tried.
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Q: What color is the American flag?
A: Red, White, and Blue.
Q: What color is the British flag?
A: Red, White, and Blue.
Q: What color is the French flag?
A: White.
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Q: What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A: The Army.
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Q: What did France used to be called?
A: Germany, and then we saved them.
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Q: Why don’t they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
A: Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.
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Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. “I will give you each one wish, ” says the genie. The American says, “I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America.” With a blink of the genie’s eye, ‘FOOM’ – the land in America was forever made fertile for farming. The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country.” Again, with a blink of the Genie’s eye, ‘POOF’ – there was a huge wall around France. The Englishman asks, “I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall. The Genie explains, “Well, it’s about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out.” The Englishman says, “Fill it up with water.”
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Q: What’s the difference between a Frenchwoman and a werewolf?
A. The Frenchwoman is not quite as hairy but the werewolf smells better.
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Q: Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysees?
A: So the Germans could march in the shade.
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Q: What do you call a Frenchman with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other?
A: A bisexual.
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An Englishman, an American and a Frenchman are visited by a genie who grants them one wish each.
The Englishman wishes he was transported to a beautiful paradise. The American wishes he was rich and famous. The Frenchman wishes the Englishman and the American were back to make his mind up for him.
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Q: How do you get a one-armed Frenchman out of a tree?
A: Wave to him.
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Q: How did the German conquer France so fast?
A: They marched in backwards and the French thought they were leavling.
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Q: Why wasn’t Christ born in France?
A: Because they couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.
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Q: What are they calling the Germans, French and Belgians at the Pentagon.
A: The Axis of Weasels.
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Q:The American military wears combat boots. What does the French military wear?
A: Track shoes.
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Q: How do you sink a French battleship?
A: Put it in water.
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A Frenchwoman walks into a bar carrying a duck under her arm.
The bartender says “HEY! You can’t bring that pig in here.”
The Frenchwoman says “Excuse me…but that’s a duck.”
The bartender says back, “Excuse ME, but I was talking to the duck.”
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Despite making what most observers agreed were “obvious technical errors,” such as surrendering, the Taliban were awarded victory in the Afghanistan war last night after the French judge said they won on presentation.
SatireWire.
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Q: Did you hear bout the French Kamikaze?
A: He flew 30 successful missions.
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A French firing squad stands in a circle, then surrenders.
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Once upon a time there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. “Oh, my,” said the bunny, “I’m terribly sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’ve been blind since birth, so, I can’t see where I’m going. In fact, since I’m also an orphan, I don’t even know what I am.” “It’s quite OK,” replied the snake. “Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you’ll have that going for you.” “Oh, that would be wonderful” replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, “Well, you’re covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I’d say that you must be a bunny rabbit.” “Oh, thank you! Thank you,” cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, “Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you’ve helped me.” So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, “Well, you’re smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I’d say you must be French”.
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An American is walking down the street when he sees a Frenchman with a very long pole and a yardstick. He’s standing the pole on its end and trying to reach the top of it with his yardstick.
Seeing the Polak’s ignorance, the American wrenches the pole out of his hand, lays it on the sidewalk, measures it with the yardstick, and says, “There! 10 feet long.” The Frenchman grabs the yardstick and shouts, “You idiot American! I don’t care how long it is! I want to know how high it is!”
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Q: What do French recruits learn in basic training?
A: How to surrender in 17 different languages.
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Q: Why did the French agree to build the channel tunnel?
A: To make it easier to escape to England when the Germans come again.
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Q: Why does Nike like the French Army?
A: They are a big buyer of running shoes.
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Q: Why did the French celebrate their World Cup championship so wildly?
A: It was the first time they won anything without the help of the U.S.
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Q: What is the most useful thing in the French Army?
A: A rearview mirror, so they can see the war.
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Q: What’s green, cold, slimey and croaks?
A: A Frenchman
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Q: Why don’t the French eat M&M candies?
A: They’re too hard to peel.
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Seen on back of restroom door:
“Here I sit with my buns a’clenchin, giving birth to another Frenchman. ”
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Q: What’s the difference between Frenchmen and toast?
A: You can make soldiers out of toast.
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“France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes.”
—Mark Twain

“I just love the French. They taste like chicken!”
—- Hannibal Lecter

“I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.”
— General George S. Patton

“Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.”
–Norman Schwartzkopf

“We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.”
—- Marge Simpson

“As far as I’m concerned, war always means failure”
—Jacques Chirac, President of France

“As far as France is concerned, you’re right.”
—Rush Limbaugh,

“The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.”
— Regis Philbin

There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The Frenchman was thinking: ‘The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.’ Claudia
Schiffer was thinking: ‘The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.’ And the Englishman was thinking: ‘This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I’ll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again.’

“The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don’t know.”
— P.J O’Rourke (1989)

Next time there’s a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.

An old saying:
Raise your right hand if you like the French…. Raise both hands if you are French.

“You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn’t have the face for it.”
—John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

“You know why the French don’t want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people.”
–Conan O’Brien

“I don’t know why people are surprised that France won’t help us get Saddamout of Iraq. After all, France wouldn’t help us get the Germans out of France!”
—Jay Leno

“The last time the French asked for ‘more proof’ it came marching into Paris under a German flag.”
–David Letterman

REPLACEMENTS FOR THE FRENCH NATIONAL ANTHEM:

“Runaway” by Del Shannon,
“Walk Right In” by the Rooftop Singers,
“Everybody’s Somebody’s” Fool by Connie Francis,
“Running Scared” by Roy Orbison,
“I Really Don’t Want to Know” by Tommy Edwards,
“Surrender” by Elvis Presley,
“Save It For Me” by The Four Seasons,
“Live and Let Die” by Wings,
“I’m Leaving It All Up To You” by Donny and Marie Osmond,
“What a Fool Believes” by the Doobie Brothers,
“Don’t Worry, Be Happy” by Bobby McFerrin
“Raise Your Hands” by Jon Bon Jovi

How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?
One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.
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Ode to France

Eleven thousand soldiers lay beneath the dirt and stone,
all buried on a distant land so far away from home.

For just a strip of dismal beach they paid a hero’s price,
to save a foreign nation they all made the sacrifice.

And now the shores of Normandy are lined with blocks of white:
Americans who didn’t turn from someone else’s plight.

Eleven thousand reasons for the French to take our side,
but in the moment of our need, they chose to run and hide.

Chirac said every war means loss, perhaps for France that’s true,
for they’ve lost every battle since the days of Waterloo.

Without a soldier worth a damn to be found within the region,
the French became the only land to need a Foreign Legion.

You French all say we’re arrogant. Well hell, we’ve earned the right–
We saved your sorry nation when you lacked the guts to fight.

But now you’ve made a big mistake, and one that you’ll regret;
you took sides with our enemies, and that we won’t forget.

It wasn’t just our citizens you spit on when you turned,
but every one of yours who fell the day the towers burned.

You spit upon our soldiers, on our pilots and Marines,
and now you’ll get a little sense of just what payback means.

So keep your Paris fashions and your wine and your champagne,
and find some other market t that will buy your aeroplanes.

And try to find somebody else to wear your French cologne,
for you’re about to find out what it means to stand alone.

You see, you need us far more than we ever needed you.
America has better friends who know how to be true.

I’d rather stand with warriors who have the will and might,
than huddle in the dark with those whose only flag is white.

I’ll take the Brits, the Aussies, the Israelis and the rest,
for when it comes to valor we have seen that they’re the best.

We’ll count on one another as we face a moment dire,
while you sit on the sideline with a sign, “friendship for hire.”

We’ll win this war without you and we’ll total up the cost,
and take it from your foreign aid, and then you’ll feel the loss.

And when your nation starts to fall, well Frenchie,
you can spare us, just call the Germans for a hand, they know the way to Paris.

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One Response to “French Jokes | Jokes About French”

  1. duke Says:

    What’s the difference between a french woman and a team of basketball players?

    Basketball players shower between periods.

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