If Microsoft Built Cars
- Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you’d have to buy a new car.
- Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you’d have to restart it. For some strange reason, you’d just accept this and drive on.
- Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop, fail to restart, and you’d have to reinstall the engine. For some strange reason, you’d just accept this too.
- If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
- Someone else - say, a company called Macintosh - would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as fast, and twice as easy to drive. But, it would only run on one road in twenty.
- The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars which would make their cars run much slower.
- The oil, engine, petrol, and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “ERROR” warning light.
- New seats would require everyone to have the same size backside.
- You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a “Car95″ or a “CarNT.” But, then you’d have to buy more seats.
- The airbag system would say, “Are you sure?” before going off.
Glossary of Software Terms
NEW — Different colors from previous version.
ALL NEW — Software is not compatible with previous versions.
UNMATCHED — Almost as good as the competition.
ADVANCED DESIGN — Upper management doesn’t understand it.
NO MAINTENANCE — Impossible to fix.
BREAKTHROUGH — It finally booted on the first try.
DESIGN SIMPLICITY — Developed on a shoestring budget.
UPGRADED — Did not work the first time.
UPGRADED AND IMPROVED — Did not work the second time.
A Great Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer.
When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
We are happy to report that the young man achieved his lofty goal. He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages
Bill Gates and the Genie
Bill Gates is at the beach when he discovers a bottle in the
surf.
Gates pulls out the cork and a Genie appears. The Genie says, “I have been trapped for 100 years. As a reward you can make a wish.”
Gates thinks about it as he carries the bottle back to his beach cottage. Once there, he goes to a bookshelf, pulls out an atlas and turns to a map of the Middle East. “This area has seen conflict and suffering for hundreds of years. What I wish for is peace in the Middle East.”
The Genie replies, “I don’t know … I can do a lot, but this? Don’t you have another wish?”
Bill Gates thinks and finally says, “Ok. The whole world hates Microsoft because we have conquered the software market and because Windows still crashes. I wish you would make everybody love us.”
The Genie says, “Let me see that map again.”
IT consultant
Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road.
Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Versace tie, gets out and asks the Shepherd:
“If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?”
The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies: “Okay.”
The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Webster, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on his high-tech mini-printer. He turns to the shepherd and says,
“You have exactly 1,586 sheep here.”
The shepherd cheers, “That’s correct, you can have your sheep.”
The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche.
The shepherd looks at him and asks: “If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?”
The young man answers; “Yes, why not?”
The shepherd says, “You are an IT consultant.
“How did you know?” asks the young man.
“Very simple,” answers the shepherd. “First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, and third, you don’t understand anything about my business…
Now can I have my DOG back?
Man Walks in a Cafe
An man walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, “Me want coffee.” The waiter says, “Sure, Chief, coming right up.” He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning the man returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, “Me want coffee.” The waiter says, “Whoa, Tonto. We’re still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was all that about, anyway”?
The man smiles and proudly says, ” I am training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot stuff, leave a mess for others to clean up, and disappear for rest of day
Marry Bill Gates daughter
Father : I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : I will choose my own bride!
Father: But the girl is Bill Gates’s daughter.
Son : Well, in that case… ok!
Next Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father: I have a husband for your daughter.
Bill Gates: But my daughter is too young to marry!
Father: But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.
Bill Gates: Ah, in that case… ok
Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father: I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.
President: But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!
Father: But this young man is Bill Gates’s son-in-law.
President: Ah, in that case… ok!
Never Tap
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much. ”
The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years
Missing Donkey
Having lost his donkey, Jimmy got down on his knees and started thanking God. A passerby saw him and asked : “Your donkey is missing ; what are you thanking God for ?”
Jimmy replied : “I am thanking him for seeing to it that I was not riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too
Vacuum cleaner
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”
“Go away!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. “Don’t be too hasty!” He said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. “If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”
The old lady stepped back and said, “Well I hope you’ve got a darned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of broke do you not understand?