Homeland Security
An old arab lives 40 years in New York. He would love to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is lonely and old and weak. His son studies in Paris. He writes an email to his son about his problem.
‘Dear Ahmed, I’m very sad because I can’t plant potatoes in my garden. I’m sure if you would be here, you could help me to dig my garden.
I love you. Your father’
The day after the old man gets an email.
‘Dear father, please don’t touch the garden. I’ve hidden ‘the thing’ there. I love you too. Ahmed’
4 o’clock in the morning the US Army, the Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the RANGERS come to the house of the old man. They search everywhere, take apart the hole garden, dig every milimeter, but don’t find anything. Disappointed they leave.
The day after the old man again gets an email from his son.
I hope your garden is digged by now and you can plant your potatoes. That’s all I could do for you. I love you. Ahmed’
Love letter from Mathematician
My Dear Love,
Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in trigonometric lane. There I saw you with your cute circular face, conical nose and spherical eyes, standing in your triangular garden. Before seeing you my heart was a null set, but when a vector of magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at a deviation of theta radians made a tangent to my heart, it differentiated.
My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only you can solve by making good binary relation with me. The cosine of my love for you extends to infinity. I promise that I should not resolve you into partial functions but if I do so, you can integrate me by applying the limits from zero to infinity.You are as essential to me as an element of a set. The geometry of my life revolves around your acute personality.
My love, if you do not meet me at parabola restaurant on date 10 at sunset, when the sun is making an angle of 160 degrees, my heart would be like a solved polynomial of degree 10. With love from your higher order derivatives of maxima and minima, of an unknown function.
Yours ever loving,
Pythagoras.
I Stepped out of the Circle
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck’s driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what’s so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, “When you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!”
Death of a Virgin
Two sisters lived together, and one became quite ill. Her doctor told her she had but a short time to live. She spoke to her sister and said. “Jennie, when I die and you put up a gravestone, I want you to inscribe it just the way I tell you. I want them to put my name on it and underneath:
BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN
She died shortly thereafter, and Jennie went to the maker of the tombstone and explained what inscription she wanted. The gravestone maker told her that there were simply too many words to be put on the headstone.
Jennie complained that those were her sister’s dying request. The gravestone maker assured her that he would do his best. After a month the gravestone maker called Jennie and told her the stone was ready, and that he had complied with her dead sisters wishes as best he could.
Jennie looked at the tombstone and across the top was her sister’s name just as she asked, and underneath was printed.
‘RETURNED - UNOPENED’
Every rule has an exception
A lady manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him
to come into his office.
“What is your name?” was the first thing she asked the new guy.
“John,” the new guy replied.
She scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you
worked before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds
Familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my
employees by their last name only … Smith, Jones, Baker … that’s alI
I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we got that
straight, what is your last name?”
The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”
“Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . .
Computer Users
Computer users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.
Novice Users:
People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
Intermediate Users:
People who don’t know how to fix their computer after they’ve just pressed a key that broke it.
Expert Users:
People who break other people’s computers.
If Microsoft Built Cars
- Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you’d have to buy a new car.
- Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you’d have to restart it. For some strange reason, you’d just accept this and drive on.
- Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop, fail to restart, and you’d have to reinstall the engine. For some strange reason, you’d just accept this too.
- If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
- Someone else - say, a company called Macintosh - would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as fast, and twice as easy to drive. But, it would only run on one road in twenty.
- The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars which would make their cars run much slower.
- The oil, engine, petrol, and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “ERROR” warning light.
- New seats would require everyone to have the same size backside.
- You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a “Car95″ or a “CarNT.” But, then you’d have to buy more seats.
- The airbag system would say, “Are you sure?” before going off.
Glossary of Software Terms
NEW — Different colors from previous version.
ALL NEW — Software is not compatible with previous versions.
UNMATCHED — Almost as good as the competition.
ADVANCED DESIGN — Upper management doesn’t understand it.
NO MAINTENANCE — Impossible to fix.
BREAKTHROUGH — It finally booted on the first try.
DESIGN SIMPLICITY — Developed on a shoestring budget.
UPGRADED — Did not work the first time.
UPGRADED AND IMPROVED — Did not work the second time.
A Great Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer.
When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
We are happy to report that the young man achieved his lofty goal. He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages
Bill Gates and the Genie
Bill Gates is at the beach when he discovers a bottle in the
surf.
Gates pulls out the cork and a Genie appears. The Genie says, “I have been trapped for 100 years. As a reward you can make a wish.”
Gates thinks about it as he carries the bottle back to his beach cottage. Once there, he goes to a bookshelf, pulls out an atlas and turns to a map of the Middle East. “This area has seen conflict and suffering for hundreds of years. What I wish for is peace in the Middle East.”
The Genie replies, “I don’t know … I can do a lot, but this? Don’t you have another wish?”
Bill Gates thinks and finally says, “Ok. The whole world hates Microsoft because we have conquered the software market and because Windows still crashes. I wish you would make everybody love us.”
The Genie says, “Let me see that map again.”