Don’t talk to my parrot
Amanda’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had
to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key
under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and
I’ll mail you a check .”
“Oh, by the way don’t worry about my dog Spike. He won’t bother you.
But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my
parrot!” “I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!”
When the repairman arrived at Wanda’s apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just
as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the
repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn’t
contain himself any longer and yelled,
“Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!”
To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Spike!”
Truck Driver
A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked
down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the
road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud “thud”, and then
he would swerve back on the road.
As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking,
he pulled over and asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?”
The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road. “I’ll give
you a lift.” The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck
driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer
walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last
minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto
the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a
loud “thud.” Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his
mirrors. When he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said,
“I’m sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer.”
The priest replied, “That’s OK, I got him with the door.”
My body hurts
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her
body hurt wherever she touched it.
‘Impossible!’ says the doctor. ‘Show me.’
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee
and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she
touched made her scream.
The doctor said, ‘You’re not really a redhead, are you?
‘Well, no’ she said, ‘I’m actually a blonde.’
‘I thought so,’ the doctor said. ‘Your finger is broken.’
Enter Heaven
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly
Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in
sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so
that I may know whether or not to admit you to the
Kingdom of Heaven?”
The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo
Yawk City.”
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to
the taxi-driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff
and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and
staff, and it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and
booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s
for the last forty-three years.”
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister,
“Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the
Kingdom of Heaven.”
“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a
taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff.
How can this be?”
“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter.
“While you preached, people slept; while he drove,
people prayed.”
A man asked his girlfriend
A man asked his girlfriend if she would marry him.
She said No..
And he lived happily ever after
Romantic Lines
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty and so is your head.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not.
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That’s why I always wake up screaming.
My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe “Go To Hell”.
Need a Wife ?
Joe was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
“I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.