Who is Superman
Jenny : Robin, do you know who is a Superman ?
Robin: Yes, I know.
Jenny : Who ?
Robin : The one who wears his underwear over his pants.
Lawyers will be Lawyers
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road-side. He ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.
“Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.
“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.
“Oh, well, you can come with me to my house,” instructed the lawyer.
“But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!”
“Bring them along!” replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said: “You come with us, too.”
“But I have a wife and six children,” the second man answered.
“Bring them as well” replied the lawyer.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says: “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied: “Glad to do it. You’ll love my place; the grass is almost a foot tall.”
BIGGEST LIE
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”
One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided
to give it to the person who tells the biggest lie.”
“You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher,
“When I was your age, I didn’t even know what a lie was.”
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
Blonde Puzzle
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over, I need help urgently! I bought a jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t even start it. Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde replies, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a big chicken.” Her boyfriend hurries over to find the puzzle spread over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box. Turning to his girlfriend he says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a chicken”
He takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I’d advise you to relax. Let’s have a cup of coffee, and then…” he sighs, “let’s put all these Corn Flakes back in the box…”
A Very Deep Hole
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.
“Wow…that looks deep.” “Sure does… toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is.”
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait… no noise “Geeez. That is REALLY deep… here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise.”
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait… and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, “Hey…over here in the weeds, there’s a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it’s GOTTA make some noise.”
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they’ve just seen… Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
“Hey… have you two guys seen my goat out here?”
“You bet we did! Craziest thing I’ve ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!”
“Nah”, says the farmer, “That couldn’t have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie.”
The Phone
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to his hometown after graduation because he could be a big man in this tiny town.
He really wanted to impress everyone, so he opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk to his office. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while saying, “No! Absolutely not! You tell those clowns in New York that I won’t settle this case for less than $1 million. Yes. The appeals court has agreed to hear that case next week. I’ll be handling the primary argument, and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I’ll meet with him next week to discuss the details.”
This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while, the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.
“I’m sorry for the delay,” he said, “but as you can see, I’m very busy. What can I do for you?”
The man replied, “I’m from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone.”
Homeland Security
An old arab lives 40 years in New York. He would love to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is lonely and old and weak. His son studies in Paris. He writes an email to his son about his problem.
‘Dear Ahmed, I’m very sad because I can’t plant potatoes in my garden. I’m sure if you would be here, you could help me to dig my garden.
I love you. Your father’
The day after the old man gets an email.
‘Dear father, please don’t touch the garden. I’ve hidden ‘the thing’ there. I love you too. Ahmed’
4 o’clock in the morning the US Army, the Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the RANGERS come to the house of the old man. They search everywhere, take apart the hole garden, dig every milimeter, but don’t find anything. Disappointed they leave.
The day after the old man again gets an email from his son.
I hope your garden is digged by now and you can plant your potatoes. That’s all I could do for you. I love you. Ahmed’
Love letter from Mathematician
My Dear Love,
Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in trigonometric lane. There I saw you with your cute circular face, conical nose and spherical eyes, standing in your triangular garden. Before seeing you my heart was a null set, but when a vector of magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at a deviation of theta radians made a tangent to my heart, it differentiated.
My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only you can solve by making good binary relation with me. The cosine of my love for you extends to infinity. I promise that I should not resolve you into partial functions but if I do so, you can integrate me by applying the limits from zero to infinity.You are as essential to me as an element of a set. The geometry of my life revolves around your acute personality.
My love, if you do not meet me at parabola restaurant on date 10 at sunset, when the sun is making an angle of 160 degrees, my heart would be like a solved polynomial of degree 10. With love from your higher order derivatives of maxima and minima, of an unknown function.
Yours ever loving,
Pythagoras.